The Edge [of all] Journeys

Time is a funny thing. Take for instance the time that I am spending to write this when perhaps I should be sleeping. From a certain vantage point this time could be better spent. And from another, this is the best way to spend it.

For some reason this day culminated in a peculiar sequence of events and observations that might have otherwise gone unnoticed if it hadn’t been for the curious case of Benjamin Button. Do you ever notice that? How some days more than others just seem to be trying to communicate a particular message all their own. Maybe every day should be like that and it is only certain days that we’re actually listening carefully enough to catch it. And then again maybe some days just shout their message more loudly than others.

So much time has passed since last I wrote. That must be some sort of psychological hurdle that ironically prevents me from writing more frequently until finally some sort of unavoidable inspiration overcomes the inertia of all the things that have passed unrecorded and I have no choice but to but to let it all come flowing out in a colorful outburst laden with weightier harmonies than any routine life-stenography could carry.

Today was dripping violently with Time saturation as though the last few months have been soaking in it and someone finally decided to raise it high with discovery’s expectation for how much It held and how long it would take to drip out.

I have been driving myself hard the last few months particularly with work. It’s easy to do as I love what I’m good at and there’s no shortage of things to demand my particular zeal for stubborn problem solving. But in the middle of that seemingly inescapable and delightful storm also comes the burden of feeling like my other priorities – some of them like family, which are far more important – are just getting the left-overs of me at best. And while I know that the blessings of my work at home situation afford me much greater flexibility and more time with my wife and kids than most, it still doesn’t feel like enough – it feels like I should have more for them and less for work. What do we allow to devour our time?

We were clearly past due for a vacation and what better way to spend it than a weekend-long prophecy seminar about the End Times, some time catching up with family and friends, and a solid day of shopping in Winnipeg? Yes, when we returned home after almost a week I knew that we had a great vacation because we needed another. Time.

But the healthiest part was going (nearly) cold turkey on work for a bit. Of course this means that I’m having to drag myself past some reluctance to build up steam again, but I think that this is a good thing too and will hopefully help me strike a fresh and more stable balance as things settle out once more.

And then there are video games. Ah how quickly dormant passions resurface when the right conditions conspire to release them: the placebo of an outlet that involves problem solving of a very different sort than the routine, a new facilitator (iPad ironically purchased solely for work at the first), and the excuse of vacation time. If you don’t understand how I can connect the concepts of Passion and Gaming, then you have somewhat to learn about the authentically male heart. In perfect Eldredge-ian philosophy (most of which I believe is very very truthful) I can recognize that hours and hours poured into colonizing planets, designing and commanding fleets of ships, and taking over the universe one star system at a time Is really nothing more than my male heart seeking a visceral kingdom building experience. And yet that is Time that completely evaporates, and there is a real Kingdom to build, and the mind knows this even as the spirit knows that Kingdom is far more real and adventurous than even the most cleverly crafted game. Ah but we we like our instant gratification don’t we? There’s nothing quite like starting with only one planet and no technology and in the span of a few near-all-nighters defeating 4 other alien species for domination of the universe.

There is nothing like the innocent disappointment of a child who missed out on some enjoyment of an incredible moment in life because it didn’t match their expectations of how it was going to or should unfold to drive home the lesson that every moment in Time is precious and if we are constantly requiring them to fit our preconceptions of how they ought to play out then we will be constantly let down. Today reminded me that Time is not something we can place demands upon, but that we will also have a far superior experience within its confines if we decide to make the most of it and savor. This was essentially the encouragement and warning I gave Reayah. It was also the wisdom shared by Renee’s grandmother at the girl’s Tea Party that Renee and the girls hosted here while the boys and I holed up upstairs and did guy things.

Then today my laptop power supply fried out. It was the oddest thing. The failure caused a fluctuation in the power of other things plugged into the same power supply, accompanied by a faint pop and the smell of toasted electronics though it took me a minute or two to figure out what had happened. (Almost) nothing lasts forever and Time claims many things. In the instance that I figured out what had happened, the implications threatened to choke me. Thankfully the power supply for my old laptop turned out to have the same exact watts, amps, and plug size, and I can use that until the new one arrives.

As if attempting to tie all those threads into a final tapestry from the day, Renee decided she was going to watch a movie tonight and it was going to be The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. For all it’s shortcomings it’s still an excellent thought-provoker and I found one thing in particular resonating quite deeply: “when it comes to the end [of a particular plan, of a day, of a season, of a life], you have to let it go.”

How true. Seems like there was more I had intended to write, but coming to the end of this post I am discovering that my brain is using Time less and less efficiently the longer I keep at this and I too have to let it go.

Probably about time for a photo refresh here:

We just moved into a house for the first time in 2.5 years. Weird. I’m too exhausted to dive into the mundane yet fascinating details that could become poetic. We will see how house-living for a winter treats us and then in all likelihood move back into the trailer and hit the road once again come spring. But next spring we have our sights set on Colorado for a summer, and that would be really nice.

The house belongs to Renee’s grandparents, and it is quite a blessing. It’s pretty old and rough around the edges, but more space than we know what to do with. It was so interesting…. of course this is the first time that Sky has been in a house – like, to live in – and if we went in another room he would always get a little upset and come looking for us. It was bizarre to have to walk 30 feet through 2 rooms in order to throw a diaper away. The kids are all super excited to have their own bedroom space even if the boys are sharing a room and the girls are sharing a room (although Bennah does have his own little nook with a mattress in the hall).

There are many settling in adventures yet to be had. I think my biggest concern is that we’re going to acquire a bunch of stuff that we’re just going to have to get rid of again in the spring. The prospect of expanding bothers me, although it is super nice to stretch out. Still have to winterize the trailer and do a bunch of other stuff.

Now I am even boring myself. What a whirlwind. The Denver trip was amazing. Still reeling from that.

Zach had a hard time going to sleep tonight because of the creaky house. Or the excitement. I’m looking forward to a nice quiet work environment for once, where I can be upstairs at my desk while the kids wreak havoc downstairs. So much more I want to capture about this moment, but everything feels bland and gray in my tired foggy brain.

What a blessing it is to be here, and what exciting things are on the brink of unfolding this winter!

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN POSTED A WEEK AND A HALF AGO… from my phone… which conspired against me and left it as a draft….grrr….. but anyway. Here it was (Oct 24th):

Sitting in a double-booked seat that just got sorted out on a plane getting ready to depart Chicago for Vegas and finally get to Denver this afternoon after a 24 hour travel marathon that included a 5 hour bus ride to Winnipeg yesterday and almost 4 hours of sleep last “night”. Nothing like commuting

I wish I could use the time to write the many posts I have composed in my mind over the last few months, but that would involve << just had to put my phone away for take-off >> a tricky bit of memory.

In a much more orderly and chronological fashion those posts would have talked about leaking hot water heaters that could not even be fixed by re-welding seams and hence weeks of self-inflicted cold showers (what fun are other options?); fall overtaking several projects (like building) that never materialized for lack of time and resources; bountiful harvests from Renee’s gardens;  starting up guy nights with a couple awesome buddies for Scripture studies and hang out time; busy busy work work and more work; crazy spontaneous floods of communication on many unexpected fronts; Sky turning into an insatiable walker and climber shortly after; Kids Club; a healthy dose of summer mini adventures; and of course most recently the culmination of the Fall Feasts of YHWH.

We had the blessed privilege of meeting and spending Sukkot (the Feast of Tabernacles) for 8-9 days with around 100 believers from all over Manitoba. Awesome fellowship, worship, studies, meals, and adventures together like zip lines, playing on the ropes course, hikes to suspension bridges and abandoned homesteads, etc.

And with that concluded last friday we headed back the 7 hour trek to Winnipegosis, had one last family Sabbath together, and dropped me off in Dauphin yesterday to begin my Clvr week in Denver while Renee holds down the fort in the North and stays available for Kids Club.

Well, as far as posts go this is leaving my journaling itch quite unscratched. But it will have to do for now as i’m burning through phone battery here.x2

…nevermind… going to have to risk the battery as this adventure unfolds… flash forward a few hours and I have to pee something fierce and we’re in a holding pattern circling Vegas because we didn’t quite beat the President landing and now we’re on standby in the sky with the fasten seatbelts sign illuminated. Not making this up. It figures that Obama would be here at the same random time as me… for more reasons than you (or I) know.

What else will happen today? When will I finally get to upload this? Pretty turbulent… some people are getting motion sick…

ok finally final descent… will upload from Vegas. And then on to Denver at last.

But super quickly – have to say: I love you and miss you my incredible wife Renee and our wonderful children Bennah, Reayah, Zach, Jaiden, Joy, and Sky!!!

Well, in the 3 weeks that have elapsed since my back became a confounding component of every day life, adventure has still managed to hunt me down from time to time. I’ve usually paid for it the next day, but am still figuring out how quickly (or not) I can force a return to normality. Daily lower back yoga stretches (thanks again brother D for the recommendations) and natural bromelain / turmeric capsules have been helping quite a bit. Never fast enough, but definitely progress.

I can summarize the last few weeks by the events that my back has not appreciated.

Leon and I thought we’d head out for a leisurely evening of knocking down trees along what will become our driveway. As many a good tractor adventure has wound up, we broke through a soft patch and got quite stuck. The mud pit got the better of our heroic attempts for an hour or so to rescue the thing. So, we were doomed to head back the next rainy evening to pull it out with an even bigger tractor.

This worked out to be a blessing because the only way to get the big tractor out was directly through the woods along the path where the bigger trees were. With the soft ground it pushed them right down no problem and the driveway was officially carved.

Once the weather cleared up and everything started drying out rapidly from the warm, sunny weather I made several trips back there to start limbing and chopping up all the trees. We’ll have to get an estimate on what it will take to build up the driveway and dig the substantial drainage ditches that will have to go in. But here’s a few shots of the lot and the path we carved, and the beginning of the clearing effort:

Overall view facing east. The gap in the trees will be the driveway.

The highlighted greenish patch is the building site and the gap again is the future drive.

The chopping and clearing project.

And on top of all that I have edited and uploaded Episode 11 of Journeys and created dated posts for every previous episode, AND updated The Movie page to list them all out for quick reference.

Well, I’ve managed to do something to my back. I probably would never even mention it either except perhaps that it’s part of the story. An interesting part for sure, because it’s amazing how quickly everything we take for granted can come into stark relief against something that challenges it all. So, the normal and routine have become epic and painfully slow. Walking, sitting, lying down, standing up… bending over, wait no that’s actually impossible right now along with other things that I could do a few days ago. I can’t even do a single sit-up for crying outloud and I tried to run a little tonight, but that was totally not happening.

So far it hasn’t stopped me from tending to most of the normal chores, but they take way longer and I can’t help but wonder if I’m only aggravating the condition with my stubbornness. I guess a chiropractor is getting added to my itinerary for the week. Too bad my buddy Will isn’t around. Arg.

You know, the really annoying thing too is that it wasn’t some heroic injury saving a baby from a burning building or anything either. I’ve had a weak spot in my lower back for a few years after wiping out while performing a ridiculous stunt for my kids that involved a hill full of snow and a body board in Pennsylvania. And it flares up from time to time, but never incapacitating like this. I guess all the winter fun – like shoveling a 300 foot path for my family in a foot depth of snow (before we had the 4×4 shovel out ) and digging out snow forts with the kids really did a number on it. One of those things that doesn’t bite until the next day, but wow it bit hard. I guess I wasn’t practicing proper form. Arg.

Well, I’m sure there is a purpose and perhaps my Creator is just trying to get my attention about something. Well, I’m close to all ears, and trying to get there, and wondering what implications this is going to stir up that haven’t occurred to me yet. I really don’t have the time or energy for this, but I guess I have no choice but to slow down and recover. After all I have a house to build.

Finally finished another episode of Journeys…. yay – I’m almost only a year behind now. Arg.

Here’s a much abbreviated a snapshot of my adventurous past week from which I am thoroughly enjoying the reprieve of Sabbath.

We got back to the homestead-waiting-to-happen from an excellent time in Winnipeg on tues and in addition to all the fun stuff I’m working on for Clvr the following productivity ensued (in somewhat no particular order):

• emptied our black tank into the new 25 gal holding / tote tank on wheels we picked up in Winnipeg and drug that out into the pasture to dump into the sewage pit I dug with Bennah the week before. “And you shall have a place outside the camp, where you shall go out, and you shall have a sharp implement among your equipment, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and turn and cover your excrement.” (Deu 23:13-14)
• covered the poop pit with a hood from an old red chevy truck so that animals in the pasture don’t fall in and break a leg or something. “And when a man opens a pit, or if a man digs a pit and does not cover it, and an ox or a donkey falls in it, the owner of the pit is to repay, he is to give silver to their owner, and the dead beast is his.” (Exo 21:34-35)
• took my two sons of thunder for a couple mile hike around the property (yes that’s the poop pit bottom left):

• started researching immigration / residency more thoroughly
• walked out and flagged what will become our roughly 1/4 mile driveway so that we can hire a loader to come out and knock the right trees down to make a path and build it up.
• several rides on the quad (ATV)
• Reayah made friends with the horse by devising a bribe that involved an apple
• i used a roll of white duct tape patching up our awning from driving through hail and wind damage
• filled up our 40 gal water tank again since the weekend was going to bring freezing temps and pointless hook up to the hose when that happens. temps were supposed to hover around 30 F / -2 C which would have been fine but it got much colder and the pipe from tank to pump froze anyway. thankful for a warm house to come hang out in with our cousins.
• lost power last night… and somehow “get propane” never made it from my mental list to my written list and we ran out a couple hours before the power died. fabulous. no heat and just in time for a freak blizzard and 20 F / -7 C. what an amateur move… just so happy to be here and distracted by everything going on that I didn’t really take much thought to the fact that it’s already almost 3 weeks since we filled one of the tanks. SO. gave myself a bit of an unintentional adventure in the middle of the blizzard night to hunt down other tanks on the property. even the tanks from our cousins’ camper were pretty much empty but their grill had a full, albeit smaller tank that should get us through tonight at least to where we can maybe make it into town tomorrow if the highway opens up (yep, currently closed).

• ok time to take the kids out into the blizzard for 5 minutes to get their crazies out and sap their energy for the rest of the evening where burgers and The Prince of Egypt are on the agenda.

Parked

I wish I could convey the immense import behind the (humanly) unplanned, colossal culmination of crossing the border back into Canada on April 11th upon completing our family mission to visit all 4 corners of the United States exactly 2 years to the day after we originally departed Virginia on April 11th 2009.

Wow.

YHWH our Father in the heavens has without fail secured our path on every mile of this amazing Journey. For the last several weeks – despite continual rains on the west coast and some more dicey weather in parts – we have had sunny weather every single departure day. We’ve hit some weather on the road, but always way milder than forecasted. And the Provisions along the way have been even more specific and personal than just the weather on every given day.

Today we drove northward up through beautiful BC. Jasper tomorrow perhaps. Eastward to Manitoba. A new season begins, and with it many uncertainties and questions that we know will find doors opening in their time.

Wow.

2 years. I am feeling inordinately sentimental at the moment. Or maybe it’s just too warm here in the 24-hr Denny’s with wifi that I walked to from the Wal-Mart next door here in Quesnel (“Que-nel” for all you tourists) BC.

Joy was a baby when we left. This is the only life she knows and has no context for what life in a “house” is like. Now she thinks she’s 4. And it’s hard to prove she’s not. Jaiden barely had a vocabulary, but his laugh is the same. Zach still jumps off of everything despite our futile efforts to extend the life of our trailer interior, but he has started school and grown up in so many other ways during this time. Reayah and Bennah have blossomed in numerous areas. They’ve mastered bike-riding, scrambled up scree cliffs, built forts throughout the continent… I better not start lest I spend the rest of the night listing.  It’s hard to imagine them 2 years ago.

I almost can’t remember what normal used to be. This is normal now, and it will keep changing, just the way I like it. I feel like we are discovering a life story that was written for us from the beginning of time. Rather than muting our free-will it intensifies it. All of our decisions – especially the second-guessed or uncertain or even less than ideal ones – are met with plot twists that keep the story interesting. It is a wonderful epic treasure hunt where the hidden prizes and rewards are things that haven’t even occurred to our searching imaginations: new relationships, breathtaking geographies, self-discovery, family bonding to a degree that’s hard even for us to realize and appreciate consciously much less express to others, memories whose imagery fades but which pull our spiritual roots deeper and deeper, anticipation, letting go, learning… to keep moving.

Life is moving. Whether across the continent physically or in your own personal development, perspective, and spiritual universe. Growth. Why do we crave new things? How can we be quenched?

Life is a quest for the elusive infinite.

Journey is a verb too after all.